visaisahero.

I'm tall, dark, and handsome; witty, talented, intelligent, charming, and most notably, rather self-delusional. I spend my spare time building castles in the sky and watching people passing by.

visaisahero.tumblr.com | visakanv.com

So I pulled my two left wisdom teeth today. I only had 2 cigarettes yesterday- I wasn't feeling so well, so it was more like 1.5 cigarettes really (I couldn't taste or enjoy it), and I haven't smoked today- and I won't be smoking until my wound heals completely. Which means to say I might not be smoking for over two weeks, which means to say I might just go without smoking for a month, or indefinitely.

(A little voice inside my head goes "you know you'll start again"- but I'm not going to worry about that. A day at a time. Live in the Now.)

So my mouth is full of blood, and it taste of blood- a dull, metallic taste. Some of my spit earlier in the afternoon was rather visceral. It's a strange feeling. It's also strange because I was falling sick the day before I extracted my teeth, and I haven't been smoking, and I've been getting a lot more sleep than I usually do- which means I'm more alert (because of the sleep- which is letting me write a lot quicker), I'm more zoned out (lack of nicotine, maybe), and I'm a bit heavy and lethargic (illness, or loss of blood, or both).

Anyway. I feel bright and clear, so it's about time I stop making excuses and get to work. I have some time now to get some serious amounts of writing done, so I shall.

an important thing I'm learning, I think, or trying to learn, and trying to embody, is that we have to treat our "enemies" as our allies- because they almost always have interesting perspectives and insights that we aren't privy to.

do we not destroy our enemies when we make them our friends?

thank you for the venom.

haha cause sometimes I forget the real reason why I am going to an university and getting an education. ~sidetrack; I believe it's part of my bildung: soul up building ~. And idk its like when you get engrossed /immersed in something (the means to your end), somewhere, somehow in the midst of all that "means", you forget the "ends"/purpose. For example, I like talking to ppl and hearing their thoughts and then taking their pieces of philosophies after assessing their values and then...

sometimes I feel like I don't gain much substance from the conversations and then, when I read your blog, I sort of am reminded that conversations are ultimately enriching and beneficial when I reflect on the convo and for that I am grateful that there are people like you who are intensely and spiritually enriching. OK haha I am not making much sense, but thanks anyway for sharing ur thoughts :>

Hey Visa, I just wanted to thank you for sharing your thoughts and your philosophies on life in your blog! Sometimes, I forgot my purpose and . :> in the midst of all that chaos and society's naysay, I forget to seek time for inward reflection. Your thoughts/opinions and your blog reminds me of what I should do and I am really grateful!

Lately as an atheist I find it exceedingly unnecessarily and even counter-intuitive to even speak of atheism, or of religion.

It's a treacherous path to walk down, like saying out loud "I am not insecure!", "I regret nothing!", "I will not fail", "I will not be sad!"

And then silence. The silence crushes you with its indifference, and all that you are left with is the vastness of insecurity, of regret, of failure, and sadness.

To speak of one's atheism is to walk down that same treacherous path.

True atheism (to me), I feel, transcends the need to draw attention to itself.

It is secure, not not-insecure.
It is acceptance, not not-regret.
It is joy, not not-sadness.
It is love, not not-hate.

True atheism (names, labels, what does it matter?) isn't about believing in not-God, it's about sitting comfortably in the silence.

And when you stop trying to define it, you realise it is neither one way nor the other, and there is only Love.

I didn't want to do anything for new year's. I didn't want to spend money unnecessarily, because lately I've been very bothered about money. I have over a thousand dollars in the bank, that's all. I was hoping it would've been two thousand by now. I lent US$25 to an entrepreneur in Tajikistan through kiva.org, because I reasoned that she needed the money more than I did, and I felt that it was a good idea that I needed to support by putting my money where my mouth is. I have a habit of tipping taxi drivers- I don't like taking taxis, because they're expensive to me- but again, the taxi driver always needs the money more than I do. They're almost always thankful for it, it brightens their day that one of their passengers would be thoughtful enough to give them more than what's on the meter. I find that to be a worthy expense. But I'm worried about money; I want to be financially independent so that I can pursue my dreams. I come home everyday and see my parents stressed out because they're being bled dry by loans and bills. It's not a pretty sight. Credit cards should come with warnings even more prominent than the ones on cigarette packs.

I ended up spending new year's with my girlfriend and a few friends, and we talked through the night about everything and nothing- until the sun came up, and we had breakfast at McDonald's. It was a fun experience, and a good memory.

I find myself thinking about life in general, how it's ultimately about experiencing things, reflecting on those experiences, generating thoughts and ideas from all that, and then creating things as a consequence of those thoughts. And I wonder- does everyone else feel this way? Do you feel a need to create something? I do. I constantly feel like I should be creating something. Well no, not constantly- most of the time I'm distracted by mundane, superficial things. I end up playing solitaire and whiling away time on Facebook and other online distractions. But the truth is that I'm supposed to be reading, to be writing, to be experiencing, to be reflecting, to be creating. It would take me a while to explain why that is, but I know it to be true, through a wonderful mix of faith and reason.

I created \(n_n)/ last year, and it's brought me so much joy- it's a group of a diverse bunch of individuals, and there is so much love, and fun, and learning. But I can't ride on that forever- it's grown now, and now I have to move on.

I've always been waiting for the perfect medium, the perfect opportunity. I know deep down that it doesn't exist. I need to stop denying that truth and just wing it, just make do with what I have. I really just need to follow my own advice, that's all I ultimately need. Everything I need is within me. Well, maybe not everything- but that which is outside of me, and that which I am not aware of- I will ultimately discover through exploring myself. Which is what I need to spend a lot more time doing.

I've been working out- I started on the hundred pushups challenge at hundredpushups.com, and now I'm doing the two hundred squats challenge, too. Why? I just want to. I want to be fit, I want to be all I can be. I want to look back on my life eventually and sigh a contented sigh, feeling that I did all I could, that I made the most of what I have. I never quite do that enough. I mean, no matter how much we accomplish, we'll always feel the same way, and we'd be pretty miserable if we tied our sense of self-worth to our accomplishments. Even if we're highly accomplished.

But there are things that I envision. Things that I believe in, strongly, that I feel deserve to come into existence. They're not my ideas, ideas don't belong to anybody in particular. They're part of a greater process that I have had the honour and opportunity of being a part of. And I owe it to the universe to do justice to them. So I must. It's really hard to explain in a convincing way. I suppose I should try. But not right now. (There's always this need for faith- to have faith that your readers understand you, and for your readers to have faith in you, too. It's inescapable.)

I felt like I had to write something. It's been a while since I've written for myself. I suppose now's a good time as any. (It's the second best time- the best time is always yesterday.) I need to stop using perfectionism as an excuse, and just wing it. Just do it. It's not that complicated. It's not that difficult. I just have to do it, whatever it is.

I'm happy. I have wonderful friends, I've been meeting new people. I'm somewhat fit, somewhat healthy. I have a wonderful relationship with a girlfriend who loves me, which I don't really deserve. I have had so many opportunities, and I will have so many opportunities in the future. I just have to take advantage of them, that's all. It's really not that complicated.

This year will be the year of hustling for me. The year of getting things done, of creating things. I have to stop making excuses and start doing stuff. I have to become comfortable with discomfort, embrace imperfection, and enjoy the journey rather than obsess about the destination. (Again, there's an element of faith there.) I have to remember that it's not all about me, that I have other people to worry about. I'm still learning. Always learning.

I'm not sure what to say, really. Doubt has always been with me, even if I sometimes pretend it doesn't. I often ask myself why bother at all. But I have to do it, whatever it is, because that's what living is. It doesn't matter if I fail, failure is good. I just need to keep moving forward.

It's all about creating stuff. Making stuff happen. Getting things done. That's all. I've done most of the trial and error I've needed to do. I've figured out a lot of things that don't work. I need need more fire, and I need it more often. I need to keep myself motivated. I need systemic solutions, to be more conscious of every moment. I know what I need. Everything is clear if I want it to be. I won't be able to explain it all. But I have faith that it will tidy itself up- that I will tidy it up. I just need to keep moving. It's not that hard.

I need to get rid of all my backlog! I keep using backlog as some sort of safety net- these are the things that I'm going to do, that I haven't done yet- so it constantly feels like there's something I ought to be doing. It's almost like secondary school all over again, where I didn't do my homework at all. Sometimes I wonder if I avoided doing work because it made me feel alive, to have something to worry about. Distracting myself from what REALLY mattered, from REALLY making a difference. That's what needs to change. That's all. It's simple.

C'mon.

you can talk to me! please do. <3 (easiest to find me on Facebook. Or you could do anonymous asks on my Tumblr, if you don't want me to know who you are. visaisahero.tumblr.com)

During my Signals course, there was a day where we were supposed to make these wire joints- 20 per person. Quite labour-intensive, especially if you're a beginner (as we all were). My bunk was the designated "duty" bunk that day, so we were doing area-cleaning, and didn't have enough time to complete them. (I couldn't even get started; I'm terrible with small-scale precision.)

The rational thing to do would have been to call our commander or course sergeant and ask for an extension. Instead we prepared an elaborate setup, hung our torchlights from the ceiling, and sat together chatting as we helped each other, labouring late into the night. It felt like some sort of covert operation, us against a cruel, irrational world. We were just co-existing till then; we became buddies that night. As luck would have it, the sergeants were doing rounds that night, and we were caught for not sleeping past lights-out. I'm not sure who it was who asked us the next day- "Was it worth it?"

My answer now is the same as it was then, and the same as it was for sneaking out of school, and all that other stuff I shouldn't write about. Totally worth it.

i miss the people who have left
i never told them how much they mattered to me